Do YOU SAY "Yes" WHEN YOU MEAN, "No?" EPISODE 16 People Pleasing

Friends, do you say yes when you really mean no to things? Do you do this more often than you wish you did? You just might be a people pleaser and you, everybody's heard of people pleasing, but did you know how dangerous people pleasing actually is? People pleasing can literally end up making you physically ill in your body over time as the emotions progress. So what is people pleasing? This happens the moment when you give up what matters to you in order to appease what matters to somebody else. And when you do that, you do it because you're afraid of conflict. You don't want to rock the boat. It's just easier to do it yourself and not get somebody mad at you. It's all about maintaining relationships. Not disappointing other people on and on so what happens when you actually do it you build Resentments and you can't help it because when you're setting yourself aside and not allowing yourself To be who you are and have your needs be met Because you're too afraid to speak up about it. Then you suffer and what's interesting is You can look at how do you suffer if you have this behavior, which I've done it on and off throughout my life. Probably we all have, but what happens after we realize what we're doing to ourselves is what about realizing what it does to other people. So let's say you do something you don't want to do. With a family member, a friend, a husband, a wife, a kid, a school teacher, anybody. You say yes, when you really mean to say no, or wish that you had the nerve and the courage to say no, well, when you say yes, and the more often you do it, you actually then kind of become not so reliable, truly. Think about it. Can people then rely on your feelings and what you tell them to be true? Do they question in doubt? Well, I don't know if that's how she really feels or how he really feels because he never says. And so what does that lead to then? Well, that kind of leads to not being real authentic, doesn't it? And if you can't be known as being authentic to people close to you, well, that might be a problem. In communication breakdown. And a further eroding internally of a relationship or friendships or whatever it might be. And so there's, it's kind of a spiral effect. It's like there's many trails that happen as a result of perhaps that one decision or just a series of them, you know, Oh, it's just easier to do to the, to do the dishes than ask another person in the household to take care of it. So you clean up somebody else's mess. Because you don't want to have to confront them and be a nag. All those little types of things, in addition to the bigger things, saying yes when you really mean no, they're harming you, they're harming other people around you. It's way better to just be honest, because that other way is not honest at all. And I beg to say that then people don't even know. Who you really are, what you really feel, and what might be the matter with you, or if you're ever telling them the real truth. So think about that. People placing is a lie. It's not authentic. And there's a lot you can do about it. And understand, you're not alone. It stems from a childhood place, from many different reasons of the spectrum of Being loved to being neglected and the reasons that we do it in order to be accepted and to belong and To not have to face conflict because the fear is so great that if you do it's going to be bad perhaps in childhood You did and it was bad if your feelings were not validated when you were a little kid Let's say you came home crying from school one day something happened at school You That was really harmful to you. You got bullied, or your feelings were hurt, or you skinned your knee, or a fight with a little friend you had, or whatever, and your parents said, go to your room and don't come out until you're finished crying. Just that little act, especially if it's done repeatedly to a child, ruined them as far as feeling that they would later have a voice. Because now that little kid. Is going to do everything they can to belong and be accepted and not rock the boat with mom and dad. I better not come home crying tomorrow, even if something's really wrong and I really need my parents. I just learned that's a terrible thing to do. They're going to make me go to my room. They're going to shun me and shame me. And I don't like it. So I'm going to be a good boy or a good little girl. And isn't that what happens? So now as adults. We're still doing the same behavior, being excessively sweet, so everybody likes us. And all of these things, I'm here to tell you, they're fake, and it's fake. It's not real. It's not right. It's not authentic. And it's time to consider letting it go. And how you do that is by beginning to do what you need to do, to say no instead of yes. To leave space for the other person to be disappointed because they will and that's okay Because you have to make a decision. Who do you want to disappoint yourself or someone else for the rest of your life? Isn't it killing you isn't it make you drink more smoke more eat more go out more Have more chocolate, whatever it is Something's got to fill that resentment fuel And have an outlet for it. If you do it in healthy ways, like workouts and eating better and all that, that's great, but that doesn't happen with a lot of us because it's too hard. We're stuffing our feelings, and that is sometimes what food can do too, is people are actually literally stuffing their feelings down with food because there's nowhere for it to go. It feels so horrible. Nobody's listening. But really, it's up to us to be the ones to come forward. And be able to talk about in adult ways, not in mean ways, not in super direct or irate ways, but to stand up for ourselves is very important because you're the one, you're the only one that can help that little child that wasn't helped back then to be able to tell a little child, it's okay now. We're going to do the right thing. We're going to say, I'm sorry, but no, I can't go to this party Friday night, period end, period end. What's the problem? Why do we have to have a bunch of grand excuses? What I don't get is when you say yes, and you really mean no, why does there have to be a bunch of grand reasons why? Why can't it be simple? Geez, thanks for the invitation, but I won't be able to go on Friday, period. Gosh, I really appreciate you asking me to join this committee, but my plate is full. You know, maybe next time. Simple. But what happens? We say yes because we think we're going to devastate another human being by disappointing them. We're adults. It's life. It happens. And if you find yourself saying no, more often than saying yes to someone or a group of people. Then perhaps it's time to move on from that group of people. When you engage in people pleasing, which means generally saying yes to something, when you really mean no, what you're actually doing is you're actively making sure nobody is mad at you, number one. Number two, I find this to be a really important, big thing. You are actively engaging. Get this in something to manipulate. The way people respond to you, think about that. Yep. People pleasing is manipulative behavior. Do you want to know what else I want to say about people pleasing? What is the cost to others? So let me look at my journal notes here. That people can't rely on you to be honest with them. And because they know they'll potentially get a lot of fluff, not real. Answers, a fake part of you, so to speak, and they don't generally then get to know what you truly care about. And most people want to, that are in a close relationship, or maybe are trying to develop a closer relationship, friendship, relationship, family situation, relationships, kids, parents, spouses, whatever. We all want that. We want to be known, right? So, this activity, this behavior, allows you to actually come off as being guarded by not allowing your true feelings to come through. So my friends, start allowing your true feelings. You don't have to be a bitch about it. You can still be sweet and nice. Just be sweet and nice about the truth.