BACKWARDS GOAL SETTING - EPISODE 9

hey, we've been focusing on the wrong thing to achieve a goal and develop new habits to get there. Want to know the real secret about trying to quit a bad habit and develop a new awesome one? We're going to go backwards today. 3, 2, 1, instead of the acceptable goal setting models out there that go in order of 1, 2, 3, you don't crave that drink. You crave the feeling that drink gives you. You don't crave that cigarette. You crave the feelings it gives you, like relief from regular life, from stress. To take a special time out from your normal thinking, even for a few moments or a few hours. You don't crave that new habit, you crave the reward for doing that new habit that leads to achieving your ultimate goal. Craving a change is foundational to being able to act on that change. Without having some desire to get better, some craving, there is no motivation to create a new habit or possibly ditch an old one. In episode 8, we talked about the basics of focusing differently on goals based on James Clear's awesome book, Atomic Habits. That's the book right here in the background. You can see that. Okay, so today's argument is also going to be from his book, going a little bit further than before, on how we have it all backwards. Mmm, I like these kind of things. Heh, now we need to reverse this order, but before we do it, we have to do a little bit of explaining here. When we first set a goal, the first step is usually to focus on the outcome, right? Outcome equals result. Okay, then normally the second step is what? To focus on some kind of a process or a system to reach that goal. For example, you want to build your muscle mass after losing a bunch of weight. You want to, you set up systems at the gym to achieve this, you know, but you constantly focus on the end result, which is far away from where you are today. Now, the third part of that process normally would be this step is a result of the first two. You actually change your identity. So, by this point, you've achieved your goal, your normal goal setting, identity is achieved. One that you can now See yourself as a physically toned person, in shape, with muscle mass that you want. But only then will you allow yourself to think of yourself as an athletic person. Only after you've proven it to be so. That's actually all wrong. After you can actually see with your own very eyes and feel proud of this achievement. Only after I am right where I want to be. Then I'll let myself think that I am this new person. And that new person is finally an athlete in this case. This is all wrong! You know why this thinking is backwards? Well, first, I'm so glad I did find the book Atomic Habits, which I've known about for a while, but just didn't read it. But, anyway, this book corrects this madness. Surprisingly, you've been doing a lot of these things right in many areas of your life, but you've also been doing it wrong in others. Perhaps the other areas that are the most significant to you, the ones that you'd like possibly the most. After you hear this podcast, you might think, like I now think, I sure wish I had found this sooner! Now, we're going to go backwards to a 3 2 1 backwards method, starting with the third step as your new step one, focusing on your new identity first, not the result of the goal. We did talk about that part in the last episode. However, how do we then switch this up to work on our identity first? let's, let's make this note first. Because going backwards creates this long lasting reason or set of reasons that you will allow your micro habits and processes to actually become a part of you, precisely because you're, you're going for becoming that actual person first, so it ricochets off of your internal values and your core beliefs. If you know what I mean, well let's take, let's take the gym example. Okay, I want to become fit, and toned, and build up my muscle mass after losing a lot of weight. That's something that happens. So this still isn't quite my new identity. So I need to be more defined with this. Let's go a little further. so if my identity is, I'm an athlete, Then, I'm changing my fundamental belief about who I am. So I'm going to start acting as though I am an athlete through my micro habits. That will allow each small win, each tiny change, to change myself into my new identity and the belief system as well, and this works. I've talked a lot before about simply shifting your perception of yourself, well this is why. So, when I go to the gym, I'm proving to myself that I already am an athlete, one small step at a time. When I walk in, I mentally act and perceive myself as being the athletic person, just like the people around me. You change your identity into seeing yourself as who you're becoming. but it's more powerful than an affirmation or a wish. And affirmations do work, but this is a different strategy here. You're actually starting with your new identity. First, first you decide who you're becoming and begin acting that way. In changing your identity first, you're actually changing your beliefs about yourself. It's also involved in changing your world views and any belief that isn't fitting into who you're becoming. Okay, we need to look at this a little further. Let's look at some powerful examples of this simple shift in perspective of our identity that are proven to work. Take a person who's trying to quit drinking. Or even staying sober after having quit. They might say, No thanks, I don't want a drink. But the person who's working this process backwards will say this, I am a non drinker. Okay, someone who smokes who's trying to quit might say, no thanks, I'm trying to quit. While a person who's actually going to achieve this goal much easier by focusing on their identity would say, I'm a non smoker. A small shift here. Another example. Okay, I began learning to play the violin, and it's among the hardest instruments out there. And I can kind of compare because I play piano. However, I've never actually told myself I'm a musician. I've never felt I was good enough. I've wished I was a musician all of my life. But when I started taking violin lessons, there's no way I would call myself a musician. Oh my gosh, I couldn't even bow, or make a good sound. However, now, if I start with a new identity in my mind, it would be this. Instead of saying, I'm learning to play the violin, I need to shift my identity first to, I am a musician. Same thing with piano, dance, anything else. The process is then to support my new identity in the case of music, or learning music, the systems would be learning to hold the violin and to bow, learning when to practice, learning the strings, the notes of the violin, the finger placements of the violin, all those things, learning my first song. But, as I fall in love with the processes in each micro practice session, then the habit is built of playing the violin. Over time, my skills are increased as I reach the goal of becoming a musician, who isn't terrible, hopefully, someday, on that instrument. You really want to write a book, so you tell yourself, I've always wanted to write a book. The person who will actually write their book and faster says, I am a writer. And they will set up their processes to support this goal. Such as, writing a thousand words for a day, for five days in a row, every week, no matter what. And then let the accumulation begin as the habit forms and becomes a no brainer The ideas are great some days, and not others. In each step, though, a process of micro daily habits are formed, making excuses and making the struggle lessen until eventually that part goes away, as you become someone who writes every day, a writer. Each time you sit down and write, you are a writer. Each time I go to the gym, I am an athletic person. You're not You're not someone wishing to be a writer, you already are because you are writing. another nice thing that James Clear talks about in his book is what to do when we mess up. Okay? You track your progress in an app, on a wall, on a calendar you can mark off every day. Doesn't really matter. Just track it. Mark off each day, write your thousand words, or do that workout. Okay, if you miss a day, you're starting again. You start over. Once you have your first set of consistent days, let's say your goal is to work out five days a week. With those first five marked off calendar or your habit tracker, Now your habit is underway. Now the last thing you're going to want to do is mess up, right? Your commitment to your goals gets a little stronger. So you keep going, trying not to miss a day. And then one day, life gets in the way and you miss. So what do you do? Well, you try to make sure you don't miss two days in a row, unless that's part of your days off, two days in a row. Because your brain has now been learning how to create new neuron pathways that will ultimately support your end result. as your commitment grows, becomes harder to break the chain once you've achieved your five days in a row the next time, then the next, and then. Something might happen. Then comes the zone of disappointment. It's part of it. While you're learning, growing, and developing your new processes into habits, nothing is happening. There's a flat line on the graph. It's flat. Oh boy, for a long time, too, toward the end goal. Then, poof, increases start to happen. And with those increases comes an accumulation of habit forming. So, when you stay consistent, you're going for 1 percent growth each day. And this, believe it or not, accumulates into 37 percent growth over time. This is huge. The problem is, it's too easy to quit because you think nothing is happening. Most people stop at that phase. Those muscles are building underneath. And it takes time, even though you can't see it. And before they can start to show much at all, it takes a lot of work. And this is why people quit the gym. They don't see what they want to see fast enough. Those benefits from having your last drink start to show too over time. Because your body feels better, your skin looks better, you feel better, you might be thinking better. Just like with writing, it might not look like much is forming into anything except random chapters or thoughts or even not so good excerpts at first. But don't you quit now. Don't be like everyone else. This is how and when everybody quits. It's in this zones. This is exactly why people quit. We're in the, we're building 1 percent each time. But you can't see it yet until there's a critical mass. Don't stop. Keep going. Because guess what? After doing this thing over and over, in thinking it will never happen, All of a sudden, you see it. You see your progress. You feel it. You can, you can believe it. You can look in the mirror and there it is. Then you recommit your, then, blah, I can't talk today. Then you recommit yourself even stronger to your micro goals because those are paying off and you start to see. You realize it wasn't that bad after all getting here, and now your brain is getting more conditioned to continue. That first phase is tough, there's no doubt, but there's, when you go in with your identity that I am this person, it gives you that value to continue. Now, and then, you start to feel a new level of enthusiasm to keep going, and so you do! And then the greatest thing happens! And this is what James Clear talks about. You really fall more in love with the actual process than the end goal. Because it's enjoyable. Then this catapults you into a level where things start to happen more. And you really fall more in love with the actual process that catapults you into a level where things are happening more and more. as the process becomes more and more enjoyable. The thought of not doing it. Independent on your goal, becomes part of you now, and something you don't have to wrestle with in your mind. You don't have to struggle with it so hard. Because those pathways are actually being created. Every little micro habit step you take, and the more consistent, you keep telling your brain and teaching your brain. So that when you get to these pieces. When you have a bad day or whatever, you don't feel like going, it's more likely you're going to do the thing because you just want to now. It's part of the payoff of both the identity and the micro habits and focus on the process. We haven't really focused on the goal at all. We've been focusing on who we are and how, what our little processes are going to be. That's where the actual enjoyment is. So, let's say you want to become, here's a few more examples. Um, let's say you want to become a better husband or wife or partner in a relationship. Someone's got some bad habits that affect the other person. So, maybe that other person says, I'll try to do better, okay, that's great, but the person who actually will become better says, I am a nice person to my spouse, or I am a person who values love over my bad habits. Or, something like, I am a non smoker, I am a non drinker, if those are things that are in the way. I am loyal, if that's something that's in the way. Any number of habits you might wish to change that are harming your relationship. So you learn to ask yourself these kinds of questions. What do people who have the values that I want to have, do? How do they act? Who are the people? Who are like the person I am becoming. Do you see the difference? this is the reason in episode 8 when we talked about focusing on the systems or the process that builds every tiny habit rather than the last thing, the final goal, because if you don't, you will quit. You know, if you, if you haven't voted to change your identity. You're gonna quit. I would have quit too. If I had not decided to see myself as the person I'm becoming now, and made the decision to be like the people that I want to be like, follow what they're doing, and by falling in love with my process, My micro habits are working and they're building up to my goals. It makes sense, kind of, doesn't it? It's a big shift in achieving goals. I think this is really huge. And whether it's wealth building, health and fitness, relationships, travel, or any other worthy goal, work backwards with this because once you want to become somebody, That's a whole different process than just saying, I want to lose weight. How, no wonder we can't get there with that type of thinking. It's, it is backwards. And so, all of this that we're doing is to stay happy, to have mobility, to live pain free, to enjoy our, our years, whatever our ages are. so one of the big benefits to all of this is that there's no drama, no fighting with yourself anymore. It lessens the struggle. If you can feel that, it's, it's, it's just really true. It's, but you have to get past these beginning parts and realize that that graph is going to be flat for a while. And just enjoy the heck out of the fact that as soon as that flat line is, starts going up, it gets exciting. okay, here's a bonus tip from James Clear's book. He talks about pairing that with something else that's pleasing, that's fun, that's enjoyable, that will help you in replacing the bad habit while you're in that process. Like, in the writing example, you could create a special space that's enjoyable and is just for that purpose. And make a, make a time a day, get a great cup of coffee or tea that goes with it. So it becomes a ritual, something enjoyable. In that, Spot of time in your own world that's special. It's something you look forward to. Drinking will be different for everybody. This is a subject that deserves its own podcast too, but because this is one of my goals I've actually achieved and I'm almost seven months out there now. But pairing this, what I did was I paired it with journaling or journal writing every day and I paired it with workouts. So, some people might pair this with a cup of coffee or going to a meeting. Again, it makes the process of quitting and actually staying with it an enjoyable thing as this new habit is being formed. Like with quitting smoking, perhaps this habit is paired with taking a time out break and going to a hypnosis session, taking a special spot where you once smoked, maybe have a new spot. Where you don't smoke, and have a cup of coffee and a snack, or a new fresh place, other than your usual place, to enjoy a time out. Or pair it with talking to a friend on the phone, or taking a quick walk. Um, anything that you can think to pair yourself, that's easy, that doesn't add another big bad dimension to it, kind of replaces the habit with something enjoyable So let's keep working backwards on this. What do we do first? Create your identity first. what do people do who are the way that you want to become? I'm an athletic person. or an athlete. So I must learn the processes and fall in love with the great feelings that go along with achieving each micro goal rather than focusing on the end product that's way too far away. If you're a non smoker, what do people who are non smokers, what are they like? You choose who you want to be. That is the only question and only you can answer it. But when you do, and it's firmly answered, and you do really want this deep down for reasons you value, then you can begin working on becoming that identity, and then falling in love with each tiny achievement in your own system. To become that. It's less about achieving the end goal so much as it is about becoming who you want to become. Because once you become that, your goal is achieved, well, when you, when you're already acting as that person, the struggle lessens because it's your decision and your choice. And you're not giving up something, you're gaining everything in the case of giving up habits, bad habits, that you no longer want. Um, you don't have to look at these then as a sacrifice. It's, they're gifts to pathways of life that are yet unknown. And this is the truth. Once that choice is carried out, day after day, through your processes and micro habits, the brain is then trained in your new habit, naturally. It takes different amounts of time for each of us, but it's the overall consistency that comes from loving your little habit. That allows your brain enough time to infiltrate it into the pathways over and over again such that you no longer have to think about it. It just is. I hope that makes sense. Heh, heh, In these common examples, the gym, consistency, drinking, smoking, or, or any other thing, try to go backwards with the process 3, 2, 1. And I encourage you to grab James Clear's book, Atomic Habits. I've got the link. below. There's no excuse. It's less than 20. It's hardcover and softcover. It's even cheaper than that, I think. But look through the link, grab that, and he goes in such great depth on these concepts. I'm only scratching the surface here, but in episodes, in, in this episode eight and nine, in hopes that you're, you're going to get there and, and do more little habits. So, if you're interested in having me do any more of these videos, I need you to comment yes in the comments below. Otherwise I won't know and I'll, might move on to some other things. So let's start with this in life, shall we? Shift your perspective quick and easy. Once that decision is made, you just have to look at yourself now. Ask yourself those questions I mentioned. Who do you want to become in your identity? And create your little systems and fall in love with them. Then the goal is naturally going to be achieved. It sounds simple, and it is simple. It's not easy, but it is simple. And you know what happens next? The habit of building becomes natural. And you can then use that same habit again and again and again on every brand new large and small goal for the rest of your life. so gosh, isn't life grand and exciting? When you learn new stuff like this, it 30 years. Well, in my case, 60 plus years. Dang. I love you all for watching until the end, showing YouTube my stuff is okay, so they'll share it with others and won't punish me. You go decide who you want to become today and fix that identity. Tell me who you're becoming in the comments. I'd love to hear from you. I want you to have a beautiful day, and I'm Kate Wilder, and this is the Wilder talk show.